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Episode #390

Your Brain On Love: The I Love Marketing Meetup On The Science of Attraction with, Joe Polish, and Dean Jackson Featuring Amy Chan

Does your heart need rewiring? Listen in as Amy Chan, Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp and Author of Breakup Bootcamp, shares the first steps to take if you’re someone looking for a healthy, meaningful, and loving relationship.

In this episode, Amy, Joe, and Dean discuss why good people choose the wrong partners. Amy shares the foundational elements to transform pain into healing, how to move towards a more secure attachment style, and how to fix your Chemistry Compass so you stop being drawn towards partners who aren’t good for you. 

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Here’s a glance at what you’ll learn from Amy, Joe, and Dean in this episode:

  • Why good people choose the WRONG partners AND steps you can take to AVOID having this happen in YOUR relationships.
  • How Amy transformed her own heartbreak into healing AND how she discovered the underlying PATTERNS of romance, dating, and love.
  • Why the understanding that “looking for a person” is fundamentally different than “looking for a RELATIONSHIP” can transform your life.
  • The science behind “rewiring” your HEART and the foundational elements to transforming PAIN into breakthrough healing.
  • How we develop an ATTACHMENT STYLE by the age of 2 years old that determines our romantic life (and what this means for you NOW).
  • What your “Chemistry Compass” is and how it determines who you’re drawn to OR repulsed by (and how to tell if yours is BROKEN).
  • How to know if you’re in a relationship that needs to end and WHAT TO DO when you realize a breakup is going to be necessary.
  • Amy shares her recommended first steps if you’re someone looking for a HEALTHY, MEANINGFUL, LOVING relationship.



  • Amy Chan is the founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp and recently published her book Breakup Bootcamp.
  • Amy was in a dark place after a breakup; she contemplated suicide and put her whole identity in the relationship that ended. 
  • She didn’t commit suicide because she couldn’t figure out how to do it in a way that wouldn’t traumatize someone; it took her a long time to heal. 
  • Breakup pain isn’t just about the ex, it’s about dealing with the recycled pain that comes up with it. 
  • Embrace the challenging moments because they will lead to something great. 
  • RECYCLED pain is the root of pain that repeats and turns into a pattern. 
  • Take an inventory of the last three people you had a romantic relationship with and write down the top five feelings you had with them.
  • People feel like they are broken after a breakup, but it’s the Chemistry Compass that may be broken.
  • Repetition compulsion: Choosing people on a subconscious level that can wound us in the same way we were wounded as children.
  • In breakups and suffering, people tend to react, not respond responsibly. 
  • Dan and Babs share how they met, began a relationship, and started working together. 
  • Powerful partnerships can enhance your relationship, your life, and even your business. 
  • Sometimes we are drawn to people who aren’t good for us, but they are the type of person who is familiar. 
  • If you didn’t have a healthy model of love, you’re wired to think other feelings are love. 
  • The models of love that we see are absorbed through childhood. 
  • Attachment theory: Around 2 years old we develop an attachment system that will determine how we relate as adults. 
  • There are three attachment styles: Secure, avoidant, and anxious. 
  • The goal is to become more secure, but attachment is on a spectrum and can move based on the environment and who you’re dating. 
  • Love isn’t an intense thing; that intensity is lust that isn’t made to last. 
  • To have fulfilling relationships, we need to redefine and rewire what we think love really is.
  • Hurt people hurt people and healed people heal people. 
  • Amy did a dating experiment to gradually increase her tolerance to healthy relationships and give attraction time. 
  • Love can be sparked by any one of the mating drives: Lust, attraction, and attachment/bonding. 
  • You can rewire your Chemistry Compass if you find that it’s been pointing you in the wrong direction. 
  • The pandemic has been the great accelerator of relationships; divorces and breakups have skyrocketed. 
  • Sunk-cost fallacy: Our tendency to invest more in something that we’ve already invested in. This happens in relationships, too.
  • When you decide that a breakup is necessary, you need a full detox; Amy recommends at least 60 days. 
  •  Amy recommends trying the Dating Experiment and doing things to stop being a slave to chemistry. 
  • Even in a business breakup, you still go through similar stages in the process of healing. 
  • There are different stages of pain and trauma; honor the feelings in the beginning and don’t label them as good or bad. 
  • If you shove down feelings, they’ll come back somehow; process and allow yourself to go through it. 
  • Have compassion first; you will feel a difference.
  • After some time and healing, you can think more cognitively about the situation. 
  • Tools for emotional regulation, even just labeling, are important. 
  • Emotional literacy is important and we must understand coping mechanisms. 
  • An anxiety hack: Do a state change by shaking it out and practicing deep breathing.
  • The wounded heart is like a weapon and needs to be dealt with accordingly. 
  • People need to start with healthier relationships with themselves by man

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